STILL IN CHAOS

GENERALLY...

2011-05-30T16:44:00.000+10:00

So, its full-on Delhi summer and am lying down casually, which is very unusual for me -especially at this time, especially on a Monday coz I'm mostly acting out the robot that takes over me for most of my time, taking me through the same drudgery, day in and day out.
Thank god, time took mercy on me and shooed the robot away for a few days to make me feel and look human again :).
Now, I could begin to describe the amazing holiday I had, or what all I did and how much I splurged or the things I've been doing with family, but this break was more about the break itself. It really wasn't about what all I did, but about what all I did NOT have to do. I remember how as a kid I used to excel at wasting and whiling away my time - I never understood its value; growing up just brought in the opposite - I'm always running against time, never having enough of it! I think time understood the strain this was causing our relationship and therefore just gave me enough of it to savor and relish - with no room for wastage nor the craving for more :).
As I'm still occupied with concerns for the future, anticipating the wind of big changes to be blowing soon over me, as also looking back at what I've done right and what I could do better, NOTHING could be more perfect than this moment of stillness, equidistant from both. I know how much I've contemplated 'working', 'performing', DOING as against NOT DOING ANYTHING and how I feel perfectly balanced between both.
Life will still go on taking me through succeeding and faltering but I know that I cant hold on too tight as time only moves forward and is generous enough to let me take moments like these to shed all the weight, make idle talk and just say it...you know...generally :)

BREATHE IN, BREATHE OUT!

2011-02-18T03:59:00.004+11:00

Alritey, I’ve done the unusual, if not the impossible – quit Facebook and man, it feels FREE to NOT jam my head with what the heck is going on around me! Now I can give myself some long due attention:). I’ve been thinking of blogging more often and thought I would choose something specific to write on, but since I’ve whiled the day away reading and doing precious nothing (little luxuries I steal sometimes :P), I might as well just say a Hi and connect since this is all the connectivity I have right now!

OK, so since this post is going to be about general stuff, let me start off with the book I’m reading – Eleven Minutes by Paulo Coelho. Now I have read this book earlier – maybe five years back, and thought I understood it, which made me laugh now, coz I still don’t comprehend a lot of it – at least I’m unable to find THE thread or maybe it just needs slow reading like a lot of Paulo Coelho’s. But I do find the dissection of love and sex extremely fascinating and its association with suffering and the subsequent freedom from it. I feel it’s true – we do live our lives being slaves to pleasure and that is suffering itself. Pain and pleasure, with experience, I’ve realized are just alternate ways of knowing yourself and extremely vital in attaining freedom from yourself. Gee, that sounds really intellectual, very similar to what I read in the sacred Geeta long back, which I thought I understood but could not relate. And I like what we are discussing; maybe I should always keep it spontaneous! Anyway, so coming back, well yea, at the cost of sounding pseudo-intellectual, I can dare to claim that I DO understand the relationship between pain and pleasure and CAN relate. Wow, NOT easy for sure, but honestly, quite, quite liberating, coz there’s nothing like being freed from dependence. It’s high time anyway!
And should I bring up the clash between negative and positive energy here, which I have been thinking about for some time now, having constantly been surrounded by negative energy and re-adjusting my stance towards it – using defiance, challenge, acceptance and finally ignorance to maintain my own positivity against it - another parallel I can draw from the book, which talked about deriving positivity from negative experiences, from turning pain into pleasure. It takes a LOT and by that, I mean a LOT to concentrate on the good and ignore the bad, especially for a super-sensitive person like me, but I feel I haven’t been doing too badly:). There honestly is SO much good to enjoy, it really is a waste of time complaining! So it’s alright to ignore the irritating customer and keep smiling because the smile is way more gorgeous (a lot of men will vouch for that as well :P). It’s like I can finally BREATHE, after months and months of confronting my ugly demons and finally letting them all out and knowing that it’s all OK, really! Not everything and everyone deserves a reaction. Well, this is not to say that I’ve ‘got it all’ and have attained nirvana in the normal course of my life :P, but I’m far less bothered:).
The weather has been harsh to me lately but I have regained my health and even completed a year at Burberry – a feat I really didn’t think I was up to! True, that I’m way more qualified professionally and have a creative mind as well but certainly not more creative than life itself which I’m not fighting anymore and becoming very friendly with :).
I’m HAPPY and that’s saying a LOT!
Cheers :)

STILL WALKING

2011-01-21T05:44:00.000+11:00

I am coming here after so, so long - minus so much baggage that had been weighing me down for what seemed like an eternity! Feel kinda empty but stronger than ever :); finally mustered the time and will to express myself, instead of letting it all get lost in translation. Honestly, am scared too, of the unforeseen changes that are taking place in my life and inside me, and much as I fought for stability and settlement, change is the only constant in my life right now, so much so that I have actually started looking forward to it instead of resisting it with all my might! My life was in the stasis for long but that could not stop the transition that I made from fear to freedom. Yes, I have gone farther than I used to dream of going and the adventure has just begun. I say, bring it on!

EAT, SLEEP, LOVE...in whatever order ;)

2010-10-15T00:10:00.001+11:00

I love, I love, I love...HaHa...that's all that comes to my mind when I think of writing something! Its the festive season plus birthday time plus winter time plus just...the air smells so sweet at this time of the year! I'm travelling to my hometown next month after long :) and the bright, sunny days are such a warm break from the wet, damp pothole this city had become these past few months! Its time to grab the ginger-tea cuppas! OK, to be honest, my room's quite a mess and I need to re-arrange my wardrobe and get a few things done but it's so daunting right now to even think of moving my comfortable butt from this comfortable couch :P.

I read 'Eat,Pray,Love' recently and LOVED it - like millions have and I happened to love the sequel too, which I'm sure many, especially the unmarried couldn't get through! Anyway, I've decided to give the movie a miss for now until the Julia Roberts factor drags me tho the theater despite the reviews. I loved 'The Town' though - very gripping! My birthday was quite sweet and I haven't had enough of stuffing myself with the simply mmmmmming cake (it's still there in the fridge...thank god!). I need to be distracted now...away from the million temptations to pretending that I don't need them. And yea, how can I forget to mention the bliss that sleeping is these days and I cant think of a better way of spending a chutti :) . India has won like a hundred medals and the commonwealth closing ceremony has just begun so maybe I can get engaged there while a tiny voice keeps reminding me of my messy room ;).

Hope everyone's loving it,
xx

GETTING THERE.

2010-09-09T19:10:00.002+10:00

It looks like another perfect chutti - with the rains washing down the green, visible from the balcony, quite stalling the plans for the day; not that I had many; not that I mind coz I could use all the forced rest ahead of the marathon day tomorrow beginning at 10, ending around midnight (I have actually become quite immune to such things now and my mantra for dealing with them is to NOT mull over them).

Actually, why not talk about my gorgeous, delicious trip to Mauritius some days ago, which I'm still not over, having been completely heartened by the beauty, people, hospitality and the romance of it all. It was SUCH a welcome break from the HELL Delhi has become nowadays, as I was reminded of the simple things that one can be happy with - makes me feel so sad for people like us, living in such places where we live to battle, not to relish. The simplicity and warmth of the people there simply won us over, so sad were we to return to this daily grind! Something HAS changed since then, something that had been changing slowly but surely, of which I wasn't so aware, given how fast time seems to run in my confused, glamorous, superficial, urban world. I had actually even begun to relish eating, given the monotony with which I seem to go about this daily chore.

My imagination can't stop escaping as my footsteps are held in check, only for the time being though, as I smirk. The more I know what I want, the more I yearn for it. Questions, answers and results continue as I rise up the levels, surer and surer. Having grown much more comfortable with my darker side, I find less to fear and more to embrace.I know that the universe is watching me closely as I change avatars.

I'm sure it will love to tell the story some so-called times later.

A RAINY DAY

2010-07-31T15:48:00.000+10:00

Its raining like crazy...poring madly while I already have sipped my green tea ( yea, I am making a trip to Mauritius next month so you know lol) and finding it hard to move my butt even an inch from the cozy bed. Back in childhood, this would have been a happy rainy day at school where I would open up my lunchbox at home itself, still in uniform, gloating at the 'chutti'. Such 'rainy days' are hard to come by now...and I'll have to be out on the roads soon, battling the Delhi traffic crumbling in this weather. Isn't this the perfect day to skip a shower, cozy up in a blanket, switch on the TV and have hot samosas and pakoras (Its ok, I'm just dreaming about it :P).

Anyway, its time to snap out of it, take a shower and drag myself to a place which will hopefully see fewer walk-ins and leaves much room for our regular refreshment intervals (its tiring to keep standing ok!) which is certainly very uplifting and takes away some of the guilt too :P. So, here's readying to face the traffic-y roads. Cya guys!

OF DREAMS AND TOTEMS

2010-07-29T04:50:00.002+10:00

I happened to watch Inception recently, and what with my tiring work hours and some pretty sloppy releases I had watched of late, I wasn't even sure if I wanted to watch a demanding movie at about 11 in the night, but gave in to hubby's pestering coz he's such a movie buff and my work leaves us with late hours mostly! Anyway, I had happily planned to dose off during the movie but ha ha, that wasn't to be! Now, one, the movie was on my favorite subject - tapping the sub-conscious and two, it's a brilliantly conceptualized movie, crafted to near perfection (let's ignore the minor glitches coz of the sheer brilliance of the movie for now), which I thoroughly enjoyed and definitely gave a second watch. Now when I write this, I don't mean to go rattling about how great the movie was, but the basic premise which even before the movie came up, had been bothering me a bit - that of 'dreams versus reality'.

Now I'm a very dreamy person, who's been administered healthy doses of reality now and then by life, which i have managed to not only survive but also turned around to support my dreams :P! So, essentially I live in belief and hope and dreams, trying to find my way ahead. I've always held that we become what we feed our minds and that is absolutely in our hands to decide; maybe that's why I prefer not to hear/read about murders, crimes, violence and anything that has a gruesome, depressing side to it. I mean I know sad things happen, but why burden myself with them? Instead I choose to read/hear about inspiration and happiness and success and the like. I particularly hate the 'reality' movies which depict things as they are - I mean don't we all know how things are? Why waste that time mulling over it when we could be watching something funny or inspiring! That's why I can't help but notice the difference when a lot of people smirk all-knowingly at the depiction of reality - yes, it is how it is, but what about what CAN be? Isn't our reality in our own hands, in our own minds? Isn't it worth spending that precious hour on, trying to make it happen, instead of giving into circumstances and filling our own plus others' lives with needless cynicism? After all, we become what we believe.

Reality and dreams are just two different sides of the same coin, where what is yesterday's dream can become today's reality and vice-verse. Just coz we haven't gone beyond what we see doesn't mean it isn't there. It's right there, in our sub-conscious and largely, in the collective unconscious, which makes this world such a wonderful place to be in!

Yes, I know how things are. And I can't over-emphasize the number of times I have accepted; I still do. But I haven't really let that be the end of my world, coz where one ends, the next begins...and no, I don't need a totem to tell me the difference :P

MUSING

2010-07-27T15:43:00.001+10:00

There's still some time before I start the rush to get to work but I am obviously not going to let the gorgeous moment pass me by - it's windy and cloudy and how I love it; the sheer romance of the weather makes me miss my sweetie more, who's far away in Ireland for a short while; I wish I could have gone with him to take in the beautiful countryside and the ancient castles and wonder about the romances that must have lived in them...Ha ha, I can so easily flitter from luxury to love!

Anyway, the rustling sounds of the trees outside are quite musical before I transport myself to the artificial music that plays in the background all the time ( not that I mind most of it though!). But I don wanna go, coz it's a day for staying back and sipping tea slowly, contemplating on life and knowing that you're quite OK with it all :)

NOT SO BLAH!

2010-06-12T00:16:00.001+10:00

I like the new templates; kinda motivated my sagging intent a little - yea, I don feel like writing these days. I mean, there's a hell lot going on in this brain of mine but I just don't feel like expressing it. I wouldn't really say that I've been too busy; I just don't feel like typing on this page lol. But I'm happy. I have new friends, lots of conversation and the never-ending experiences in my store. I think there's something even to the mundane days at work - there's an air of hope which I love to sniff. The coffee machine was taken away today; I don't mind. I'm gonna manage fine. Coffee was never good for my tummy anyways. Again, a halt; I tend to lose my way these days when I'm here, Maybe that's why I don't drop by that often. But I got a new car :) and I love it! Isn't that awesome? Its a yummy red :P :P. Driving it is another thing though, let's hope I can manage that by next month lol. I'm thinking again - kya likhoon...I really wanna go on a holiday. I really, really need one. I need a good break which I can't get before two months :( but boy, will I make sure it'll amazing ;)! Of course the deliberation continues - money/job/dreams/independence/home/bla bla and I guess I want it all :P. I've become a lil chubby too, something I am not happy about although everyone tells me I look cute. Let's see about that. Chubby is not my style. And I'm fighting hard not to sleep coz if I fall asleep now, I'll be tossing and turning at sleepy time.

Words still move me. They get me to react and respond and feel and want and go on and on.

Thank god for them :)

SERENDIPITY

2010-05-06T04:57:00.001+10:00

Am coming here after a long time, but much surer and better :). The other day I was hunting for something in my closet when I discovered my books on writing tucked away at the back - made me kinda sad. I think I'll begin to start finding time for them sometime, now that my mind and body has adjusted to my hectic and erratic work schedules. Can't believe how much I've grown in the past year; each day has brought something new, something difficult. And I don't think I can say enough about the world of retail and the plethora of experiences I keep having there. I constantly tussle with the dismay of having to work on weekends and three months down, I'm only beginning to adjust, if not to resign myself to it. The questions keeps popping up too - is a weekend really all that important? Am I missing out on life? While i struggle to find answers to these, one week slips after another as I become more and more a part of the place I didn't think I belonged to. Who knows, soon I might even start liking it! I have a good time with my colleagues who are all my age, yet my marital status marks a clear difference, so I am pretty much in my own, with my set of drawbacks and advantages. But one thing's for sure - I can well look after myself now and can call a spade a spade, an attitude that took a while to come. Most of my time is spent telling the fake from real and I think I've become quite good at it too - be it bags or people :P. Coming to bags I realized that the one thing that my work has taught me is to want; unabashedly; and to absolutely go for it! There's nothing wrong with wanting the best and reaching out for it, sometimes with a credit card :P.

The rest is about smiling and laughing and fighting and loving and rushing and sleeping and eating and cooking and mostly just being :).

Que sera sera !

2010-04-12T04:21:00.001+10:00

I don't blog so often now, living in a much different world which seems to need me more than I need myself and hence, has bought my time. But I still manage to find myself in a busy, busy world where I am mostly trying to find what others want ; yea, when the crowd has not filled my world and am not on the lookout for something bloody expensive, I stick my heels into the ground, stare into the open space and let my thoughts fly into the world far, far away where I wish to be. Memories of Australia and the time spent there run in a flash as I smile at the romance of it all, wishing to be there, as I was some time ago, not knowing that the dream would be crushed to death on the long, jammed roads of Delhi. Whether it's Sydney or the chance at being my very best that I miss, life is pretty much at the mercy of the air conditioners at work, in the cabs and at home. Yea, this is a bloody poor comparison and I unabashedly admit to wanting much, much, much more especially with what i gotto taste of life last year.

Maybe it's the exhaustion of the long, long days or maybe it's as always, me outside of myself, wanting to be much bigger than I am...sigh!

OFF-ISH!

2010-03-25T15:15:00.000+11:00

I had a wonderrrfful day today - found time for the much loved shopping after so, so long - ah! SUCH a soothing balm to my itching nerves and basically all the exhaustion of work, life and bla bla! Life has become such a roller coaster with much highs and lows with such constancy, I don't know know which side am on - one day I am the queen and the next, just so ordinary. Wish I could just climb the top of life and stay there :P. Today I have me to myself, tomorrow I'll be selling my time. Whoops! High again - I just lovvee a good day of shopping and even bought myself a zoozoo tee :D.

I am mostly enjoying my work in luxury retail. Its a busy, glamorous world with quite a variety of experiences! And being on the front end is never easy - you gotta be on your toes all the bloody time! I mean, we even had a test the other day on the SS'10 collection, which I think is a good idea and I did pretty good too :P. Ha ha! To think of TESTS at this level...anyway!

Its been long since I watched a movie; heard that LSD is good. Lemme see when I can catch it! I miss Sydney a lot, on and off, and most of all miss my friends there. I keep getting flashes of Gold Coast where we went around this time and boy! was it gorgeous! Dinno that two flights away is a world am gonna miss so much. But I'm growing to be happy in Delhi now. Being closer to family is a big, big thing :)

I guess that's it for now. I have plenty of thpoughts for my other blog which I am gonna update more regularly now. Love to all.

xx

BLINDED

2010-03-15T03:06:00.003+11:00

Wish you would cover my eyes with your warm hands
that once cupped my eager, chubby face
and shut out the sparkling mirrors
that shine through the long days and nights!
Crooked as always...
I am gorgeous! MUST be the mirrors
not pristine enough,
to reflect my fairness.
My eyes turn to yours -
that glowed so...
Strangers now,
I lock them into slumber;
still crooked!
It MUST be the mirrors,
that shine through the endless days and nights,
where I keep searching
for you
and me.

BURBERRY CHECKERS!

2010-02-24T05:21:00.000+11:00

Have logged in here despite the tired eyes and the nagging head in my voice urging me to sleep. Its been a hectic day, as all my days have become now. Wow, I already feel so good to be here and catch my breath; have been running too fast! I've joined work again - back to the glittery world of luxury retail which chose me before I could assert my choice; not that I mind at all - I mean why would I mind spending my day on the finer side of life :) Suddenly am juggling a hell lot - home, marriage, career and most of all...the dear, old self which is busy trying to find its normal amid the artificial gloss and true style through a plethora of experiences in this treacherous business. To immerse myself is one thing, I take care not to lose myself in it.

I'm much happy to be occupied though, with something other than my obsessive self :P - there's a hell lot to write about, but I guess that'll be another time as my heavy eyes and tired feet are begging me to relent. And relent I will, to another day which plenty others shall try and lay claim to, but I'll manage to retain in the end.

Much more in the next post - its very interesting to note the jamboree of people flashing the latest labels and of course, big, glossy diamonds - honestly, its difficult to tell the real from fake.

P.S. - I'm tired of seeing the classic LV bag dangling on the arms of every second woman who walks in. Is it just me, or do others agree that they've been done to death? And personally, I find it a tad boring too. Anyway, time to sleep :)

I AIN'T.

2010-01-16T23:04:00.000+11:00

Me outside of myself;
yearning for the other side,
thirsting in the ocean,
only half-way across...
- Till the world that's mine
as I leave myself behind;
where I don't know me
which I don't know,
nor want to.

LAZY LAMHE :P

2010-01-09T02:19:00.005+11:00

It's been a cold, cold day! As if it's not difficult enough to get out of my warm fleece blanket under my huge quilt, the freezing cold left me helpless today :P and just when I mustered the courage to face the cruel world outside my haven, I was informed that the building's water tanker would be cleaned today - Bingo! I couldn't stop grinning at the prospect of missing a bath; sprayed deo all over me and that took care of it :P. Can't even begin to describe the joy my hot cuppas through out the day brought me - black tea, green tea et all! And once I looked outside the window at the discouraging day, I pretty much knew that I was gonna spend it under covers with a book, TV and of course, the much cherished cuppas, with a few breaks to feed myself on and off :P. And if all you office-goers aren't jealous enough, I must also mention the sweet naps I would slip into now and then ;). The lack of internet also added beautifully to the heavenly day of sloth!

Have already enjoyed 'Daddy Day Care' on TV and now sitting pretty after cooking a spicy aaloo sabzi (potato preparation) before it's time to demolish it...yumm! Wanted to go out in the evening, but didn't quite happen, sigh! Still hoping that the weekend would somehow get spiced up, otherwise of course, there's the fleece blanket to snuggle into, wrapped around all of me as I sit slumped on the couch, reminding me of childhood when we would make a 'home' inside bedsheets and blankets with friends :P and then desperately hope to win at 'The Game of Life', which we still play every other day (so miss my younger brother here!). The rest of the evening it seems, is gonna slip into another cold Delhi night...

Ok, enough of making you guys jealous ;), hope you all have a lovely weekend and stay warm :). Take care!

OH BHAIYA ALL IS WELL!

2010-01-06T05:15:00.004+11:00

Its been long since I've posted something; no particular reason, I'd blame it on pure laziness :P. But it feels good to be typing again, letting myself out, sharing with all around. I feel tremendously happy with the beginning of 2010 - now I don't typically believe in going berserk wishing a happy new year to all and sundry and neither do I make any resolutions ever; just that each passing year feels like a new start which is enough to make me smile :). Have been reading 'The Secret' and must say, it came to me just at the right time as everything else has. Life is indeed, about feeling good :).

I spent some amazing time with family these holidays which made me realize just how blessed I am. How the little things filled the days with so much! A year or two earlier I could not wait to get away, to be on my own and become the independent chick - ready to grow up n all! Little did I know that when I grew up too much for my own comfort, its them who'd still make me feel like a child :). There's plenty I miss - spending time with them, spending time with a lotta friends I haven't been able to catch up with lately, but most of all, I look forward to having more of such awesome times!

This IS a change from my usual cynicism which bored me to death :P and I thought - why not be a believing idiot again! Whoever said that happiness was overrated? Its MIGHTY good - being unhappy sucks! True, its brave to face the truth but its better to face it and then forget it; after all, we can always tell our hearts -

'ALL IJJ WELL' :P :P

Now saying that, wish everyone a great 2010!

THE LAST LAUGH

2009-11-20T06:23:00.002+11:00

It’s a quiet winter evening. The silence is broken by the sound of water trickling in the bathroom. Winter has set in earlier than expected this year. There’s a need to cover. Life speaks through both – silence and noise. Distant sounds can be heard clearly too, in this tired, restive evening. I just finished my evening cuppa, which actually beckoned me from the casual strolling I was enjoying outside. It was so beautiful – no honking vehicles, swarms of humanity or dirty roads. I was walking away, my thoughts running far ahead of me until I paused to rest on a bench in the lush green park, taking my surroundings in. Three kids walked by, one quite tiny, holding an even tinier bat and ball; ready to have a go at it! They looked at me shyly, and then gave in to the excitement of their paraphernalia. It was such a cute sight – the kiddo trying to hit the ball like a golfer, but missing each time while his older mates laughed and decided to show him how to do it. For some time I forgot everything amid their giggles, banter, zeal and camaraderie. I expelled a deep breath as I realized that life was still simple, innocent and full of mirth somewhere. It is where we all started from; the meaningless laughter, silly happiness and unexplained hope.

None of us would be there anymore. Many, many years have passed; enough to change us all but not quite enough to obliterate what we knew ourselves to be. But it was reassuring that out of nowhere on a cool, winter evening we can happen to bump into our old selves just like that until the sun sets and the giggles disappear behind closed doors.

It is then, that I hear time laugh.

THE SERPENT'S TALE ;)

2009-10-27T00:54:00.005+11:00

The gorgeous world with all its material,
fails to fill her empty moment -
the colors have dried up;
the music plays for itself;
dreams have faded away
in a wide awakening.
Fallen from the three-legged stool,
reaching out for candy-floss,
she'll try again -
another day, another moment.
For now, she's the serpent,
which has found its tail.

GOONJA SA HAI KOI IKTARA...

2009-10-21T01:00:00.005+11:00

Just like the title of my blog, I'm still in chaos trying hard to be still in chaos ;)
Problem - Should I be idealistic or realistic in choosing my career?
I have a fashion background but also an innate love for writing. And these days am torn between the two. Am back in Lucknow - surrounded by the warmth of a familiar life; a life I had known for long before things changed forever this year with marriage. I hope to find that vital part of myself here, something I might have left behind in the space that nurtured me for so long. I spend my days weighing my options, the pros and cons but am on the tenterhooks - in a state of suspended anxiety and god knows for how long this is going to last. There are a couple of criteria here - a stable job/financial independence/meaningful occupation/a sound resume/etc. and I have no idea which shall emerge the winner - what shall be the permutation and combination of the above!

But I take heart from the fact there are so many of us struggling with making the right choices - especially regarding career; people who have not just given into the social roll call but taken the frightening path to ambiguity, consideration, review and possibly drastic decisions. Yes, it matters - to keep the dream alive, to remember your real self, to keep the fire burning, to face fear. It is in such a moment that you preserve that special part of you - one that speaks to you, one that makes you feel alive.

The rest is a gorgeous mystery to wonder at. And keep your ears open to what you're listening for. Soon enough, you'll hear it! Just like the lines from a song in the movie 'Wake Up Sid' -

jo barse sapne boond, boond,
nainon ko moond, moond;
kaise main chaloon,
dekh na sakoon,
anjaane raaste...

CONFESSIONS OF A WRITE-OHOLIC!

2009-10-05T02:45:00.004+11:00

I am bloody frustrated these days coz I'm trying to break through as a writer and its bloody difficult! I mean its not like appearing for a job interview with a carefully crafted resume (its a good thing nonentheless!) and truckloads of bull**** to offload, only to get it and then keep complaining about how trying it is! Duh, life is TOUGH for a writer people! As I read somewhere (I do know where, but too lazy to double-check and its not important anyways) that 'Writing is the most precise form of thinking'! Aah! It couldn't have been more difficult. You not only have to write, you gotto THINK and let it flow! You guys have any idea how bloody scary that is - to realize that your most 'precise' form of thinking could be total trash or utter profanity and I'm not talking about the pretentious pseudos who know how to get their words right and make a fool of people. I'm not judging it or anything, just challenging their balls for the fun of it - hahahaha!

Guffaws over, I'm still left with the 'precision' hanging over my head and fingers as I type. Its ok. Writing can be fun too, precision apart. I could write about how much am looking forward to my parents visiting me soon (yippeee) and how I am enjoying reading 'Confessions of a Shopaholic' on the recommendation of a friend, and I think on a scholarly note (lol) I can add how it's more than a book and more an insight on the compulsive psychology of an escapist...Hahahaha...the almost pseudo vocab makes me laugh at myself.! Ok, so more about the fun parts - my memories of Sydney which I miss in a very weird way - more than the place I miss the person I was there - now you got this rite? I thought so, coz you know how you can wear a gorgeous dress (:P) and walk to the Opera house at ANY time without being stalked/stared at/attacked/stranded for want of 'conveyance' - another essential in a Delhi-ite's vocab, how to get from one place to another (special preference-without getting dusty and tanned unless you have a car). And yea, I could also write about the sweet zephyr blowing today which makes me like October more (I like it anyways, am pro Librans and SOME Scorpios) and it's already late for dinner, but it's ok. Everything's ok. It has to be. And I've blabbered way too much and I don't care if it's trash (atleast it's not profane!) and to hell with precision - I love the OST of Notting Hill playing on TV and am off now, to enjoy the material pleasures before I wander into the chaotic world of writing again which I do, on compulsion. Shit, I needed the book. Thank goodness for it! Ciao.

BHEJA FRY!

2009-09-24T19:40:00.005+10:00

I didn't know it would become so difficult to find time and space for the words that I am so passionate about. Changing life roles are robbing me of my precious mental space that I need to fill with words. Instead, I grapple with a zillion other confusing, frustrating, needless and wantless things, issues, whatever, which I desperately wish to chuck from the space that I’ve created in my mind after much permutation and combination - sigh, sigh, sigh! People might think that I am a crazed woman who writes about such nonsense as ‘mental space’ and rants about it, but yea my mental space is extremely important to me and I see it as the greater purpose of life, which I’ve arrived at after much deliberation over the philosophies, psychologies, theories and bla bla. Yea, it’s my supreme discovery that the great purpose of my life is not moksha, samaaj sewa, tyaag, desh prem or you name it, but it's managing my mental space, just like we have the physical space we live in. So I like to decide what to fill my mind with and pretty much prefer to have my authority there. It's my mind, hence I shall use it for what I like. I could say the same about my time too – to use it as I like. These are some useful tools life has given us and I don't think I am being demanding when I claim mine.

I live in a society where people are mostly judged by their ‘position’, how much they have ‘studied’ or the ‘results’ they have produced to please others. I don’t fare well on these criteria. And pray who should I try explaining to, that MY benchmark is ‘What you occupy yourself with’? I have no idea when it shall be justified - when my criteria will marry the world’s. Till then I struggle (happily or unhappily, but I DO) with the invasion of the much coveted AND needed mental space.

Today doesn't belong to me but I know that one day I’ll own it; one day I’ll buy it; one day it’ll be mine.

And that I say, shall be one fine day :)

BUT I CAN!

2009-09-18T16:26:00.003+10:00

The unforgiving minute filled with despondency -
Another death, another blow.
I have it or I don't.
But I can, which I cling to,
blind to yesterday and tomorrow -
the eyes tired out.

I lower my defeated head,
thanking the minute for forgiveness -
Really, Really thanking it,
As I sit pretty on a quenching can...

LIVING IN A VACUUM

2009-09-15T22:30:00.003+10:00

I am back from Sydney;miss it like crazy. Can't believe left such a wonderful life behind. Once again, struggling to breathe in the vacuum of the supremely unknown :(

The stillness is not welcome. I am still somewhere on George street, waiting for the light to change. Well, this has brought a lump in my throat. The good thing is cheap phone calls. I can't stand the weather and dust. Its such a sad evening - I know its sad for me. It dare not speak to me! I am sad and sleepy. And ANGRY.

Bye for now.

P.S. - I know one day I'll walk upto the Opera house again. I do.

I GOT SYDNEY FEVER

2009-09-09T16:03:00.004+10:00

I finally got hold of 'The Little Red Writing book', written by my course presenter at the University of Sydney and needless to say, am hooked already! I feel giddy on account of fever and know that I need to sleep some more, but can't stop my itching fingers from typing away a bit before I listen to my tired mind and body. I hadn't planned it this way. Today was going to be filled with shopping as well, before my evening class and a dinner with friends later - you see I din want to sit idly at home and do nothing when there's just three more days of Sydney left to savour. But the quiet caught up with me and forced me (thankfully now!) into bed, to let me savour instead, the home that I lived in, for all these months. Its not just the place that I will miss. Its the space. You know what i mean, right?

More than half packed, more than half given away, less than half willing to leave, I'll remember the sounds of the day. I'll remember the groaning of the air conditioner and the stillness of time. I'll remember that one fast lift down was a busy, busy George Street where time would start jogging. Not running. No, it wouldn't run, coz its sinful to run on the laidback, serene, tempered paths of Sydney. You wanna run? Go to NYC or Mumbai where you can compete with time in running duh, but you don't run in Sydney. NO ONE runs in Sydney. You jog. You swim. You stroll. You romance. You get wet. You drink beer and eat cheese. But you dont commit the sin of running anything in this big, big city of calm.

Am back - to my quiet apartment; to my not-so-tidy bed where I slept and dreamt a million dreams. Yes, not less than a million am sure coz I would dream incessantly in sleep - one after another, packed with the weirdest action. I'll never dream like this again. I know that. There's the last class left to attend in the evening and dinner later. I've become used to it - bonding over food (the system acting up later sometimes). Anyways, theres going to be dinner with friends where we'll all try to pick up the pieces of shared memories and make another one;and another one tomorrow;and another one day after when we'll finally come back and pack all of us, having given away all of what we could, ready to take the rest of us off when we would have been otherwise sleeping to wake up to another Saturday. Sydney as usual, will wake up leisurely.

Without us.

RED COUCH MOMENTS...

2009-09-06T23:29:00.005+10:00

My droopy eyes beg for sleep as I type this, the mind not ready to switch off the last weekend in Sydney. I cannot possibly describe the jamborie that it was, except that I'll really miss it. Perfect or not, it shall always be close. The awesome dinner still burps me as I hold the moment. Can't say if this is about 'leaving' or 'reaching'. And it really doesn't matter, coz right now the red couch is still home :)

BEAUDDIFUL!

2009-09-03T16:16:00.005+10:00

A lovely song I came across. Can't get enough of it! Enjoy :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a6_nypYnnpo

SPICY DESERTS TO BLAND MOUNTAINS...

2009-09-02T23:38:00.006+10:00

I am not able to write much these days. There are a few days left to fly back to India and we're trying to make the most of them through lunches, dinners, shopping, parties and what not! Bought a pretty black dress and a hot black jacket today. Ah! Am a sucker for both :P. Nothing really matches the deep satisfaction that comes from a good buy. Tried Thai food after a long time and really enjoyed it. But what I really wanted to share were the two lines I came up with, in an interesting exercise in my writing class. After coming up with lots of words of different types, we had to combine them to create something out of the blue! Here's my piece -

Spicy deserts to bland mountains,
Trees guess what's behind satin walls.

Now I leave you to make sense of it while I plan how to spend tomorrow :P

P.S. Love you Shweta. Shall miss you :(

DANDELIONS DON'T BOTHER ME ;)

2009-08-25T15:37:00.008+10:00

This is not easy for me to write. It makes me jittery and I’m compelled to rethink my decision to write about this. But I’m done with this internal struggle. I need my voice again.

There is something I have been very troubled about lately. It has been going on for some time now and I’ve reached my tipping point. It’s important that I write this and get it out of my way, for I’ve been bothered long enough. I don’t write this to gain any solution coz I don’t know if there’s any. Like I read in a favourite book of mine – ‘You have to learn to love your dandelions’. I don’t know if I can love them, but I think I might be able to live with them. Strange coz at one point of time I had never thought that something could get so under my skin and fill me with such mistrust and doubt.But doubt is good! It makes me question;it makes me analyse; it makes me seek;it makes me grow;it makes me know.But I really could do without the bother that has left me feeling powerless - so fragile and powerless, I realize. We can’t control. It’s not even about controlling anymore. There came a point when I had to put my foot down and put my foot down I did. No control over the result surely, but I have to be true to myself. The funniest is being both, the actor and the spectator. The actor acts out her part. The audience reviews. Both are important. Both are me. And while I may not have liked my part here, I had to act it out nonetheless. Strange coz the spectator applauds. A soulful act. The actor accepts the accolades gracefully.

I realize I am moving much ahead of like and dislike, fair and unfair. Am not such an amateur anymore. This is not my play. I didn’t script it. I was only given the part. Maybe, I’ve grown up a bit; maybe, this was the purpose; maybe, it’s made me more powerful; maybe, it’s taught someone something; or maybe, this was pure entertainment which I got bored of eventually.

Whatever, I’ve moved on – in acting AND spectating.

Time for a new script ;)

JUST MOMENTS...

2009-08-25T01:28:00.005+10:00

Spent the day mostly in bed, with a stomach ache for god-known reasons! What a quiet contrast to the fun weekend we had, which mostly constituted of Saturday; but we packed so much in that one day itself - a hearty lunch of chhole-bhature at Maya’s followed by Gajar Halwa too...mmm; then we headed to Darling Harbour where we played a fun game of bowling which Sukalp won and I realized I wasn’t too bad at! And the funny poses captured by the cameras, especially Usha’s were hilarious! Shweta wasn’t too keen to spend the evening with wine and conversation but we obviously convinced her. The session at home was quite enjoyable with sparkling wine and animated conversation flowing with ease. A few of us got quite engaged with the question – ‘Why does everyone enjoy sex’? Out came theories, jokes, facts, history, religion and even more! I loved some of the music my Abhi played (there were two lol) and then the other Abhi and Usha cooked us a quick yummy dinner. Another friend had invited us to Zeta bar at The Hilton, coz it was his birthday and although worn out, we were still looking forward to it. Sadly, my tummy began to act up on the way back and by the time I reached home, it had become bad. But Prem and the gang had insisted that we come, so I mustered the strength to join them for some time. I didn’t quite enjoy the walk to the bar coz I had not wanted to walk in the first place but had to, for want of a cab on the unusually busy roads this Saturday night. Anyways, it wasn’t that far (thankfully) and soon we were a part of the gorgeous crowd at Zeta. Wish we could have stayed longer, but my tummy didn’t allow it. My poor hubby bore the brunt of my distress (sorry love :( ) which subsided only after I slipped into a tired sleep. Yesterday was spent resting before we caught ‘Inglourious Basterds’ in the evening which was quite enjoyable (my husband and Saurabh expected more from QT). Next we headed to a disappointing dinner at ‘Jaipur’ which we’ve made up our mind to shun in the future. We looked to Baskin Robbins next, for consolation. Saurabh and Shweta left soon after. The ‘weekend’ came to its end as the city went back to business today.

Most of the day has been spent in complete quiet, as I switched off the noisy A.C. early today. Two full days were emptied out with the trash. Just a sliding door away is the fast, busy world which today, I am not a part of. Am on the other side, which is still and quiet as time is resting after its quick jog. Words just keep it company.

WRITE HERE, WRITE NOW!

2009-08-14T16:36:00.003+10:00

This one’s for why I write. A good question because this is what I’m trying to figure out these days. I’ve realized that I like the thought of exploring my voice and expressing myself through words. What I hear really affects me, both in a good and bad way, which is why I hate noise and avoid crowded places. Am very receptive to music and maybe that’s why I could never study and listen to it at the same time. Sound captures me. And the quiet of my apartment on the 31st floor is more than just a relief – it’s a need. I've had an amazing time spending most of my daytime alone here, where I can listen to myself, instead of having to listen to others! I was always good with words and can somehow express myself better in writing than in speech. It could be coz I’m a little shy. But I love the sound of my own voice! Having a heavy, almost baritone voice has always set me apart from other girls and although initially I hated it, I grew to realize how I could stump listeners with its clarity and impact. I do recall being complimented for it on more than one occasion. In fact, a friend’s father told me long ago that my voice was going to take me places! That voice languished for a long time when I struggled with myself but am glad that I got the chance to listen to it closely. And it was telling me that I needed to speak out, to communicate, and to spend my days with words instead of clothes.

A thousand questions surround me – interest or profession, tone, form and a zillion other nuances of the art which tell me that this is not a job; it is an intimate conversation with myself, in which I am both, the speaker and the listener . There is never a conclusion; only correction. Hit and Try. That is perhaps the reason I’m still resisting the idea of a ‘job’ in Public Relations or Copywriting or the like. I don’t want to write coz I have the skill (Absolutely no prejudice against those who do. Writing has many a purpose). I want to write about what I feel for – that which rings true inside; which takes me to THE place inside me, where I can speak from. And I have realized that it’s important to read well, to distinguish between good and bad writing. So I guess I’ll have to read more coz I’m not much of a reader, which is fine. If I got to read to write, I can try, just like following a writing discipline, not for the sake of discipline 'coz lol. And I am not giving up slang which I frequently use coz I wanna sound like my not-so-perfect self :P. So these days, I try to get some writing done daily without having an idea of what kind of a writer am I going to be. Once again, I am trailblazing through the maze of writing. And that’s the beauty of it. I don’t know where I am and where this leads, and for all that’s in between, there are my words.

LITANY

2009-08-14T09:17:00.006+10:00

You are the bread and the knife,
the crystal goblet and the wine.
You are the dew on the morning grass,
and the burning wheel of the sun.
You are the white apron of the baker
and the marsh birds suddenly in flight.

However, you are not the wind in the orchard,
the plums on the counter,
or the house of cards.
And you are certainly not the pine scented air.
There is no way you are the pine scented air.

It is possible that you are the fish under the bridge,
maybe even the pigeon on the general's head,
but you are not even close
to being the field of cornflowers at dusk.

And a quick look in the mirror will show
that you are neither the boots in the corner
nor the boat asleep in its boathouse.

It might interest you to know,
speaking of the plentiful imagery of the world,
that I am the sound of rain on the roof.

I also happen to be the shooting star,
the evening paper blowing down an alley,
and the basket of chestnuts on the kitchen table.

I am also the moon in the trees
and the blind woman's teacup.
But don't worry, I am not the bread and the knife.
You are still the bread and the knife.
You will always be the bread and the knife,
not to mention the crystal goblet and - somehow -
the wine.

A poem by BILLY COLLINS.

Thought I'd share it here coz I enjoyed it a lot, especially for all those who enjoy wine :)

The image above belongs to www.art.com

COLORING THE DAY...

2009-08-11T17:01:00.013+10:00

I’ve loved the day so far! I woke up feeling restless but the weather romanced me delightfully! Some find an overcast sky gloomy, but I feel the romance instantly. I love the promises it makes – of a different day and a different mood, when we cant predict it and keep guessing! So I decided to give in and let colors precede words today. It took a small walk and a coffee and I was ready with my paraphernelia.

Now I hadn’t painted in years. It used to scare me – the paints that could stain, the brush that might smudge, the water that might spill, the heart that could lose. But there was something different about today. And I didn’t want to miss it. So I decided to trust my uncertain hand.

I painted a few squares in watercolor to begin with. To steady myself. To even my strokes. It was a little unkempt intially, but soon I could stroke within the outline.
There was no one to check me; no one to reprimand; no one to appreciate. No one at all. It was just between me and my paints and my paintbrush and a few other things. I didn’t feel scared – of the blank new sheet, of the water and paints blending of their own proportion, of the breaking stroke, of the uneven color; of the melange of it all. In those moments, I went back a few years to find something I had left behind .

There was nothing extraordinary here. But there certainly was something different – something fresh and lively. I didn’t do anything spectacular but the blank sheet looks better with colors on it. My words are happy too coz I’ve found them new friends to frolic with. And that’s why, they follow them happily.

It did rain.

A WALK TO REMEMBER

2009-07-16T19:50:00.007+10:00

It had been almost a week and I still had not got around to taking ‘the walk’. I was amazed to think of how busy I have been without much work! Also, the fact that I live in the heart of the bustling city does not inspire much trudging. Anyways, I needed some grocery and decided to walk a little farther today than usual - ‘Should make a decent walk’, I thought! Thus, I was on my way to be a part of the din when people are busy returning home after a long day.

Wow! I loved the fresh air, having spent most of my day in a packed air- conditioned apartment on the 31st floor. The cool air hit my legs which weren’t all covered on account of my skirt but I really didn’t mind. Felt rejuvenated already as numerous faces kept appearing and disappearing . Was it just my imagination or were they actually in rhythm with the pace of the important looking, busy city? Most of them were well dressed and looked ‘together’ but were they really, I wondered as I made my way through the crowd –Ugghh! I’ve always hated crowds! They leave me feeling exhausted. But it couldn’t be helped. We live in the city, I reminded myself.

I kept on as I passed various stores , first a patisserie with its ever-tempting cakes and pastries that I devour with my eyes everytime I pass that shop! Such colorful, creamy, nutty, soft cakes waiting to be proudly claimed! I am generally not very descriptive but this one deserved the attention! Next came a hip shoe store as I hurried past it – I’ve taught myself to look away whenver I am close to a shoe store because the temptation is too much to bear! I could hear my husband’s voice inside my head, ‘What is it with you women and shoes? We buy shoes only when we need them!’ I suppressed a smile. He has never understood the equation. My attention was caught by the interested gaze of a man outside a pub I walked past. He looked so content– boozing and gazing. I felt like laughing. Man and booze - Maybe its an equation I’ll never get!

My eyes kept taking in the crowd – I especially checked out how the women looked. Its such a girl thing really! Noticing the attire, hair, appearance and some quick comments inside my head. I missed my college. Nowhere does visual creativity hit you as much as it does in a Fashion institute. The place taught me to shed inhibitions and not be afraid to imagine. The cacophany of traffic brought me back – the never ending swarm of vehicles on the road, almost rhythmic which refreshed my memory with ‘August Rush’, a beautiful movie about the rhythm of music even in mundane-appearing sounds. I realized my thoughts had brought me much closer to my destination as I reached the St. Andrews Cathedral and the Town Hall building ahead. My senses were calmed instantly. Being near a cathedral and the open area surrounding the building soothed me. I always tilt my head and look at the people, kids mostly, hanging about that part – young and unaware! I somehow really like it. And then it struck me ,the transition that I had made – On one side were the kids while I was on the other! I smiled. But every walk has its end as I neared the signal to cross the road to enter Woolworths. I knew I had to be here. I had often taken the path. I had often lost myself in thoughts too. But I had never made it a point to remember what it felt like, until today.

Another memory to preserve, amid the ordinariness, when I shall be back to India after two months, of a path I shall probably never walk on again.

TODAY'S FORTUNE!

2009-05-27T00:25:00.002+10:00

‘Your time is limited. Stop living someone else’ life.’
This was the Orkut fortune that welcomed me today. This is not the first time however, that my attention was drawn to the fact that I have limited time and I should be living my life. Considering the former part of the statement, death never fails to amaze me. The other day I was reading about this Australian guy who worked extremely hard to become a pilot, went to Africa to realize his dreams, met and fell in love with a beautiful girl and got a chance to come back home too! His ambitions took him back to Africa and he never returned. The story was narrated by his mother who was overwhelmed by the memorial service her son received which she got to watch on video. His life had been good. But his death was great! Her son had done good work, but it was a life taken away. A young life full of promise, love, resolve and so much more! Gone. As all of us shall be. Death seems so distant and unthinkable. Usually its taboo to talk about it coz of the fear it evokes. Especially the fear of losing our loved ones. Yet death touches us all, at some point or the other. It is neither good nor bad. It is a simple reality which our hearts find difficult to comprehend. Death leaves us at our vulnerable most, devastated and we find that we shall never be the same again. Something changes – for good or for worse. That’s why the premium on living ‘your’ life before that chance is lost.

I have experienced death too, but of a different kind. I have experienced the death of certain parts of me at different points of time. Of feelings that once formed my life and I was devastated that they died but there was nothing I could do as I watched myself change. Gradually, they even stopped bothering me as much. But I did not stop living. In fact, I became a new person every time something died inside me. Isn’t that what the phoenix is about – rising from its ashes? Makes me wonder though, if I do rise from my ashes, will I ever die? Or will it just be my name?

That still does not take away the fear of losing my loved ones though – the heart always tugs at the mind! Then what is the fear of living my life when I live it through death too? I am confused! Is life an extension of death or death an extension of life? Or are they the same? Or just that we have labeled death as bad and fearsome? And if death could be so grand, is it so bad after all! Then there was the other part of the statement too – ‘Stop living someone else’ life.’ This makes me wonder – do we ever really live our lives?

I don’t remember ever living as I wanted to. There was always some factor outside my control that eluded me. I always had to make do with what was available. And I guess that’s everyone’s story too. Something or the other is always lacking in the paradise our minds conjure up. I feel we are programmed this way. To lament what is not, to focus on what’s missing. Something’s always missing. Something always will. The mind shall always find something to want. It’s a super trick to keep the world going. If we ever felt fulfilled, we would start stagnating. So don’t ever listen to the treacherous voice of fulfillment. I say, as long as we are not fulfilled, we grow, we are alive! 'Coz happiness never really was the peak of Himalayas where we could reach and stay. We’d start missing the seas, and eventually would have to descend. I feel a little less scared now, of the ominous sounding statement that started this. I know now, no amount of time shall ever be enough. And I shall never be able to feel that I’m living to the fullest. The prize is just a promise, a mirage that my feet chase amid the sand and look back at the footprints -

‘You have unlimited time. Stop living for fulfillment.’

And that I say has been the fortune of everyday!

DILEMMA!

2009-05-22T13:52:00.003+10:00

I am faced with an interesting dilemma today. I feel like painting. While my good sense tells me to write, to hone my skills there, I feel like playing with colors today. I have been a victim of my own randomness, inconsistency and unpredictability. Sometimes I feel it’s a lack of focus but it also could be my need for a vast landscape. I get bored too soon and need to be constantly challenged. There’s also a nagging worry in my mind that I should concentrate on writing because I am beginning a writing course next week. But that’s the funny thing about it – I can’t really write if I feel that I have to. So it’s my whim and fancy that leads me – against good sense, reasoning and rationality. So I’ve always walked on the unknown paths that my will has found for me – wherever and whenever. And I’ve always had to find the courage to go on because go on I have to. I don’t know who to blame – god or my genetic make-up! It’s like trusting a stranger while blindfolded. Why I do that is still a mystery to me. Maybe because life has led me beautifully, way better than I could have. Somehow, it’s taken me to roads less traveled, landscapes yet not discovered and territories still virgin. Needless to say, the journey has been very difficult. And like a moth is attracted to the flame, I have been unable to shy away from my own destiny. It could be my thirst for adventure, novelty and experiences. It could be that I was made to thirst for them. Lol, I don’t know. But it’s never easy to stand your ground in the absence of reason and explanation. Did I not mention something about subjectivity a few days ago? Ahh! Here we get the meaning. My friends with reason and logic will sneer at me. It’s easy for them to hide behind it. But there’s no cover for my vulnerability which I have the balls (figuratively lol) to expose. I have been less than perfect, made mistakes, erred and hurt, excruciatingly at times. I have also learned, discovered, reflected and moved ahead. I don’t think I was ever in control, although I struggled desperately to be. At best, I have been the actor and the audience – The actor losing herself in the act and the audience reviewing. I have a feeling I’ve moved past box office results. Acting is my destiny. It shall continue for its own sake.
So we can’t do the math here. I have to let myself go in order to come back. I have to forget myself to really know me. I have to lose in order to win. And I shall have to paint to be able to write ;).,

JUST LIFE!

2009-05-06T13:58:00.004+10:00

These days am struggling hard, to decide what to do with my life. There are a number of options and I’m confused about what choice to make. Sometimes, I just feel like going with the flow and taking things as they come. But other times, my mind wonders if I am missing out on possibilities and it starts its thought weaving process! At the end I’m left like a pendulum, oscillating between chance and deliberation, which brings me to the question – How much of our life is chance and how much destiny?

This question has been a favorite of my mind for years – tremendous fodder for thought! When I was younger, I liked to believe that there was a grand plan behind my life, leading me to my destiny – the ultimate life where I would be at my best in terms of love, career, money, being myself etc. But gradually, my perception of destiny shifted – from the point of arrival to the path. I was beyond my dreamy adolescence and soon began to realize that destiny is not someplace we reach, but the person we become in the process. The focus shifted from ‘reaching’ to ‘being’. Some wisdom earned for my young years lol ! I started considering myself much wiser. I was a precocious early-twenty, know-better-than-you! I reflected on life – so far removed from the red lipstick, mini-skirt donning foolish girl with boyfriend blues! Well, the red lipstick and mini-skirt came in shortly and I’m thankfully past boyfriend blues! Which still does not solve the question – What am I supposed to be doing?

I have even taken a shot of objectivity – everything is as it is. Plain material existence. Nothing more. The mind is just a tool for processing information and no more. It is we humans who have tortured ourselves with subjectivity (unjustified personal opinions) and developed philosophy, psychology, literature and what not, which is what has led to opinions about luck, destiny, grief, success etc. Throughout all this, I found the wonderful theory of the karma (Thank the Blue God!) and have stuck to it since. My belief has been strengthened over the years that we are all a result of our karma. And although I can’t say I got detached from the consequences, accepting the result became easier. So amid this labyrinth of right and wrong, I have often found one opening leading to another passage. Of course I have realized that there is no finality, no end and nothing that’s enough. Reality is always pitted against ideas – Who is to say which is real! Ultimately, we all learn to suit ourselves with whatever comforts us.

I have not written this to draw any conclusion, for there is none. Just at this point, there came a wandering cloud of thoughts that started drizzling. Decisions shall be taken when the time comes; right or wrong I might never know. I will lose myself again in the cacophony of life until my mind rambles again. One more thought though, are these my thoughts really? Do I even matter? Does anyone give a shit about what I feel, or is there a grand design, making my mind have these thoughts, making me experience whatever I have. Was it ever about me? Or a super matrix that has created artificial intelligence inside me – How’s that for a thought lol!

Whatever! I still need to decide. And decide I will.

OCCUPIED VS. WORKING

2009-04-24T15:44:00.002+10:00

My day begins in pretty much the same way – a cup of tea and switching on my laptop. I did not know how much I depend on the latter. I mean I can still survive without the former, but certainly not without my companion 24/7 (this coming from someone who is an ardent fan of her morning tea). Am not ‘working’ these days. As in I don’t go to an office, make reports, call up people, log into Face book (from office) and get a paycheck at the end of the month. I was working last year and that has driven out any incentive for me to join professional work anytime soon (may you all be spared from that experience!). So these days my occupation is quite under question. I have dared to do what everyone dreads these days – be unemployed. I have come to a new place – a new country altogether and the few people we do know here want to size me up with that one obvious question – so what do you do? Funny isn’t it coz I just do not go around asking people how they occupy themselves – If they’re working its fine and if they’re not I really don’t look at them suspiciously! Back home too my mom tells me that ‘people’ exclaim in surprise when she tells them that I’ve not joined work yet. The great wonder – ‘what does she do’? This brings me to what my life is like these days, post marriage.

Well, I have a ‘home’ now. Our home. It really is different from living in a hostel or sharing space with girlfriends. It doesn’t feel like a place I have to return to, only after a long day at work, to worry about where my next meal is coming from. Or who should be cleaning it. It’s my space. And even though I’ve never been a clean freak, I try to keep it neat and clean without my mom having to tell me! We have a tiny kitchen too where we can’t store too much, but I still try to make the most of it. My husband mostly enjoys what I cook, and that’s a relief because it is only recently that I have started cooking. But it’s not all that bad – doing the grocery every 3-4 days and deciding what veggies to buy. It was never like this before. Any effort towards the kitchen was accompanied by groans and resistance. That has sort of changed. I don’t exactly feel as if I have entered alien territory anymore whenever I am in the kitchen. I think this shall make my Ma happy! And because we do not have a maid here, I do the dishes everyday. He does it sometimes for me thoughJ. Then there’s the ‘jhadoo’ too – the good ol’ Indian jhadoo which can accomplish things a vacuum cleaner can’t. So it is a part of everyday now – cleaning the floor with a jhadoo. Laundry is for the weekend. Relatively easy here. And weekends include cleaning the toilet too – another essential ritual we’ve had to incorporate, something I never bothered about when I was living with my parents. There’s another thing- I really could never understand my mom’s obsession with putting things into place all day long – she is an order freak. But it is kind of natural now – arranging things that seem out of place although I am not obsessed. But this is not all. The time I have these days has actually given me a chance to do stuff I always wanted to, but never had the chance.

I have started writing again. It is something I used to thoroughly enjoy but lost it somewhere amid the chaos and glamour of the fashion industry. Most people think of fashion as extremely exciting but mostly a job in the industry, unless one is a designer is either extremely operational or extremely vague. But I still think that going to NIFT was a great idea coz it taught me to shed inhibitions, respect creativity, let imagination take flight and gave me a degree that has enabled me to fend for myself. And though I was not happy, my first job was paying me decently well. And not for a moment have I regretted quitting as I did – I just left Bombay and decided never to go back. It’s the best decision I have taken for myself. I still love fashion and the thrill on entering the buzzing world of retail. But it taught me one important thing – that I want to spend time on doing things that I enjoy. I had never understood the value of time as I did in Bombay. It was always a race against time that was spent on a thankless job. So I decided to give time to doing things I really enjoyed – reading and writing and I have even just started blogging. It’s a small attempt, but it gives me a voice! Even music sounds sweeter now as I can actually LISTEN to it without a thousand thoughts crowding my mind at the same time. And the long blissful showers are actually a luxury I’d say. Even little things like walking to my husband’s office to join him for lunch or stopping by a store for an impulse purchase or just enjoying coffee as the sky gets overcast. Or just finding the time to get in touch with family and friends again as internet makes it easy.

This does not mean in any way though, that I wish to have babies soon (unless life has planned otherwise) and occupy myself with changing diapers and washing milk bottles. I don’t see myself doing that anytime soon. That’s because the life I am living right now is not an escape from my own self and although I would love to have children someday, I don’t want to do it coz I did not have anything better to do. Currently on my agenda are – joining a library here, exploring the city, taking a course in writing and a couple of other things.

Honestly, I don’t see where this is leading. I could have taken the easier choice of working in fashion and everything would have been clear. But I like this sort of trailblazing (going into new territory which has no marked paths). I could get lost. Or I could make a discovery. It can go either ways. I don’t know if this is enough to make up for not ‘working’ for all those who have been so bothered (thanks for the concern guys, but I don’t think I need it!). But I feel it’s a risk worth taking.

I am occupied well people. Now get back to your outlook!

CHAOS...

2009-04-02T18:02:00.003+11:00

I live in chaos.
The mad winds won't listen to me.
I plead with them to stop,
they stop.
And just when I'm beginning to sniff the peace ,
they start again!
Liars.
I want the soft zephyr...
Isn't that what I'd always wanted?
But it seems to choose others;
The furious storms love me!
Why won't they just leave me alone
to rest awhile.
But then they remind me that I'm alive
fighting them!
I hate the chaos,
yet can't survive without it.
Good I wasn't asked.
Chaos is my nature.
I thrive on it.
I revel in it.
The pain hits me,
my soul starts bleeding
the blood trickles down,
nourishing this dry earth.
I drink it in.
I don't love my pain,
yet it feeds me.
I don't love the chaos,
yet it defines me.
The anguish!!
And the joy...
when I see the blooms,
fed with my blood.
I know now,
I never had a choice
I was chosen.
And I'm the silent bearer.
The world comes to life with my blood,
as I carry the dark death.
Nobody hears the sobs.
NOBODY.

This is a really old piece...published as it is.

THE REASON...

2009-03-24T01:11:00.003+11:00

Give me a reason to live,
coz I dont want to live to live.
I dont want to live for a job.
I dont want to live to look good.
I dont wish to live for the money.
I dont even wish to live for the sex.
Living is way too much effort
for an undemanding soul,
that has only yearned for love
as reason enough to bear this life;
as reason enough to still dream,
through the tired eyes that shamelessly expose me
by brimming over;
as reason enough to still smile,
through lips that dont know how
to tell the story...;
as reason to hope,
despite acceptance in innocence;
as reason to go on
when I limped in agony,
only to reach love
- the meaning.
Love let me stay for a while;
then asked me to move on,
once I could walk again.
Acceptance refuses me.
Understanding mocks at me.
Reason has parted with me,
as love has closed its door on my face,
showing me a thousand places
I would be welcomed at.
My feet refuse to budge as I stand my ground near love.
Every breath is an effort now,
asking me the reasons for it;
which have started leaving me...;
'Give me the reason to live'!
I keep begging
outside love's door,
until the day they run out...

IT HURTS...

2009-03-17T18:57:00.004+11:00

The lie that my smile is,
plastered to silence the words
that have lost their way
amid the labyrinth of questions -
dead ends mostly.
No winners here;
we all have lost.
Fractured and wounded,
some time since the wounds;
the pain’s still fresh.
I conceal the scars of course
and look great!
Just that the pain wont part with me -
I bite back my tears
that threaten to dry me up;
I have to keep going;
there’s many a labyrinth ahead,
and countless words that shall never find their way,
only to die on my lips
which shall continue to smile
through the pain
that my skin hides.

THE FIRST STEP...

2009-03-09T17:53:00.002+11:00

Hi all. My first post here on the web, after long contemplations of whether I should, what should I, maybe later and all the jazz...First there was college, then work, then marriage and now a sink full of dirty dishes lol! Life has quite bounced me around, sometimes to my pleasure but mostly to otherwise. Not so uncommon is it? The other day i was wondering whether it is any good trying to avoid pain -the 'pursuit of happYness' which cheats u like a mirage. False illusions that one keeps following. You have all the ingredients and supposedly the recipe too, but why can't we ensure what cooks? Here's where we all become so helpless, so vulnerable, so human! Why isn't it ever perfect - The college, the job, the partner, kids not yet into the picture (can't imagine what that would be like phew!!!) . Anyways, this tug-of-war among imperfections, of our loved ones; Shall we ever win?? We are still tugging! Just when you think you have the answer, the question changes. I like life's sense of humor! Does anything even matter in the end - you, him, me, her...or are we just characters in the grand drama, trying desperately to be real, to have done it, until we reach our ends... Life goes on. Who are we entertaining anyways? I am a spectator. I might as well enjoy!

Whenever I sit down to write, I want to produce a masterpiece, something memorable that would make a difference. Again, desperate attempts at trying to do IT, but who shall tell me what difference needs to be made, where is the meaning or is it?
Maybe I’m still that kid who’s playing by the seaside, writing stuff on sand - My friends, family, my favorite teacher but it’ll all get washed away soon as waves rush in...

Maybe its growing dark and I should get back home. But not long before I'm back - scribbling on the sand again...